My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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