My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
