Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
