I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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