his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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