woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
