I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
