why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
