Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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