They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
