Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
