Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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