I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
