I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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