woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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