Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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