He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
