just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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