i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
