Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
