The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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