Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It's shark week go big or go home
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
