I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
