This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
