Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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