so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
