can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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