I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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