Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
