the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
