I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My feet surprised me
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