I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
