i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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