I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
bring money and cleavage
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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