there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
