it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
