wakey wakey hands off snakey
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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