I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
