Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
me + whiskey = a bad person
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I deserve this hangover.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
