I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
