I cannot find my penis.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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