So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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