So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
