You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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