I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My pussy is not your playground.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
