This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
