lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
