Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
