fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
