glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
