my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm always down for nudity.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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