Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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